TO SOME OF MY E-MAIL FRIENDS

To All My Friends Who Have Barraged Me With Those Countless Informative E-mail's, Thought I Would Show My Appreciation With A Big Thanks ! To Whoever Sent Me the One about Rat Poop in the Glue on Envelopes because I Now Have To Use A Wet Towel with Every Envelope That Needs Sealing. Also, I Now Have To Scrub the Top of Every Can I open For the Same Reason. I No Longer Have Any Savings Because I Gave It To A Sick Girl (Penny Brown) Who Is About To Die In The Hospital For The 1,387,258th Time But That Will Change Once I Receive The $15,000 That Bill Gates/Microsoft And AOL Are Sending Me For Participating In Their Special E-mail Program. I No Longer Worry About My Soul Because I Have 363,214 Angels Looking Out For Me, And St. Theresa's Novena Has Granted My Every Wish. I No Longer Eat KFC Because Their Chickens Are Actually Horrible Mutant Freaks With No Eyes Or Feathers As Soon As I Get My Free Dinner Coupons From Applebee's, I Can Eat Again. I No Longer Use Cancer-Causing Deodorants Even Though I Smell Like A Water Buffalo On A Hot Day. Thanks To You, I Have Learned That My Prayers Only Get Answered If I Forward An Email To Seven Of My Friends And Make A Wish Within Five Minutes. Because Of Your Concern I No Longer Drink Coca Cola Because It Can Remove Toilet Stains. I No Longer Can Buy Gasoline Without Taking A Man Along To Watch The Car So A Serial Killer Won't Crawl In My Back Seat When I'm Pumping Gas. I No Longer Drink Pepsi Or Dr. Pepper Since The People Who Make These Products Are Atheists Who Refuse To Put "Under God" On Their Cans. I No Longer Use Saran Wrap In The Microwave Because It Causes Cancer. And Thanks For Letting Me Know I Can't Boil A Cup Water In The Microwave Anymore Because It Will Blow Up In My Face..Disfiguring Me For Life. I No Longer Check The Coin Return On Pay Phones Because I Could Be Pricked With A Needle Infected With Aids. I No Longer Go To Shopping Malls Because Someone Will Drug Me With a Perfume Sample And Rob Me. I No Longer Receive Packages From UPS Or Fedex Since They Are Actually Al Qaeda In Disguise. I No Longer Shop At Target Since They Are French And Don't Support Our American Troops Or The Salvation Army. I No Longer Answer the Phone Because Someone Will Ask Me To Dial A Number For Which I Will Get A Phone Bill Totaling $2,374.76 With Calls To Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, And Uzbekistan. I No Longer Have Any Sneakers -- But That Will Change Once I Receive My Free Replacement Pair From Nike. I No Longer Buy Expensive Cookies From Neiman Marcus Since I Now Have Their Recipe. And Thanks To Your Great Advice, I Can't Ever Pick Up $5.00 Dropped In The Parking Lot Because It Probably Was Placed There By A Sex Molester Waiting Underneath My Car To Grab My Leg. Oh, and Don't Forget This One Either! I Can No Longer Drive My Car Because I Can't Buy Gas From Certain Gas Companies! Thanks To You, I Can't Use Anyone's Toilet But Mine Because A Big Brown African Spider Is Lurking Under The Seat To Cause Me Instant Death When It Bites My Ass. And Remember, If You Don't Send This E-mail To At Least 144,000 People In The Next 7 Minutes, A Large Dove With Diarrhea Will Land On Your Head At 5:00 PM This Afternoon And The Fleas From 12 Camels Will Infest Your Back, Causing You To Grow A Hairy Hump. I Know This Will Occur Because It Actually Happened To A Friend Of My Next Door Neighbor's Ex-Mother-In-law's Second Husband's Cousin's Beautician ... Thank you, and Have A Wonderful Day.... but most of all.. zzzzzzz--zz Oh! One Last Bit Of Noteworthy News: South American Scientists from Argentina, after a Lengthy Study, Discovered That People with Insufficient Brain and Sexual Activity; Read Their E-mail with Their Hand on the Mouse. Don't Bother Taking It Off Now, It's Too Late. STILL I NEVER FORWARD THIS CRAP ON ONLY RARELY I JUST DELETE IT AT ONCE AND I CAN USUALLY TELL THE CONTENT BY THE SENDER. This was sent by a friend who usually sends me very good video clips just the odd one of these thingies so I don’t mind really; I do wish I could mention her name but being security minded I dare not. I am guilty of sending the odd joke of course `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` PLUS A COLLECTION OF SHOPPING BAGS I received as well ````````````````````````````````````````